I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
