I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
