Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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