Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
