My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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