So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
