the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
