you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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