So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
