I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Holy sore nipples Batman
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
