D3 body, D1 cock
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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