I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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