Pappa wants mamma naked
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
