WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
