guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
