Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize