I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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