I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This toilet bowl is my home.
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