Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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