dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So vagazzling was a success
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
