ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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