I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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