According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
