That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
