The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
