oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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