new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
