yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
