I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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