He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
