remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
