Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
