I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I want her autograph on my taint
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
