You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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