I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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