Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
