My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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