I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
