Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
