Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
