if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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