dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
