do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
