u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize