Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
