I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
All I want is dick and wine.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
