I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
