YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
