A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
