just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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