he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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