What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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