and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
