Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
