My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
