Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
