come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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