last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize