Cold hands, warm shart.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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