Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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