she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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