don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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