OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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