i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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