I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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