i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
