i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
